Still, I feel a little hesitant. Being put under general anesthesia, even for minor procedures, should not be taken lightly. As I mentioned, my pain comes and goes. When it comes—which could be as often as every month, or as infrequent as every few months—it’s brutal. But when it’s gone, I start to question if I’m just being crazy or dramatic. Is the pain really that bad? Am I just being a baby? Is it ridiculous that I’m going under the knife because of this?
Which then leads me to wonder not just What if they DO find something? but also, What if they DON’T? The two scenarios are equally as bad in my mind. If they do find endometriosis, that would be terrible and upsetting. But if they don’t find anything, then not only am I back to square one, but maybe I really am crazy, or a baby, and I just had elective surgery for no reason. Maybe all of these doctor appointments have been a waste of time and I’m just a girl with a low pain tolerance.
I try to tell myself that my symptoms justify doing the surgery, even if the doctors don’t find anything. I tell myself, if it was bad enough for me to call my parents from another country, and to miss out on an amazing spring break night with my friends to be lonely in a hotel room, it was bad. It’s my way of justifying the decision to do this thing.
Justified or not, I’ll be having this procedure, and I really don’t know what to think as the day approaches. But I guess I’ll find out soon.
