Has it really been 32 years since we asked, “Who Shot JR?” For those of us old enough to remember Friday nights spend at Southfork Ranch watching the Ewings duke it out for control of the family oil business, this was the epitome of must-see TV. And now it’s back in all its dysfunctional glory. Here’s how the Lone Star State’s favorite villains have held up.
1THEN: JR Ewing (Larry Hagman)
The cunning, conniving master manipulator that is JR Ewing started off the reboot in a catatonic state, depressed over the loss of Ewing Oil. At 80-years-young, that shouldn’t be so surprising. But a new battle with do-gooder brother Bobby brought him back to life and he’s as ornery as ever. Much like JR, Hagman himself has battled health problems—he’s recently been treated for throat cancer and had a liver transplant back in the ‘90s—but we think this octogenarian oil baron is looking pretty darn good.
2NOW: JR’s Keys to Looking Good:
-Fight with your baby brother over your mama’s wishes for your family home—it really puts the sparkle in your eyes.
-Cut back on the drinking. You need to stay sharp, especially with your son John Ross trying to outmaneuver you at every turn.
-Surround yourself with beautiful women—because that’s what you’ve always done and it seems to be keeping you young.
-Wow everyone with your spectacularly wild eyebrows. They’re almost as big as your cowboy hat.
3THEN: Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy)
Bobby has always been the good brother—the moral center of the show—and that certainly hasn’t changed. But don’t think that means he can’t tangle with JR and win. He’s done it before. Dallas made Duffy an ‘80s sex symbol and the 63-year-old has certainly aged well.
4NOW: Bobby’s Keys to Looking Good:
-Do the right thing. Guilt weighs on you and your skin.
-Wear sunscreen and a hat! Those big Texan hats look great and protect you from the sun while riding around Southfork.
-Lay off the Botox. The crinkles around Bobby’s eyes show warmth and character. Plus, the other ranch hands would most certainly mock a lineless facade.
-SPOILER ALERT: Bobby found out last week that he has cancer. He should stick to lots of healthy macrobiotic meals as he goes through treatment.
5THEN: Sue Ellen Ewing (Linda Gray)
Oh Sue Ellen, how you’ve grown since we last saw you. All those years battling alcoholism and your philandering husband JR don’t seem to show at all now that you’re 71, sober and potentially running for Governor of Texas.
6NOW: Sue Ellen’s Keys to Looking Good:
-Put down the cocktails. Sue Ellen’s been on-and-off the wagon many times. Let’s hope this round of sobriety is for good.
-Find a great doctor and let him do his thing with some well-placed Botox, laser resurfacing and perhaps a little nip and tuck.
-Pilates. Sue Ellen’s body has never looked better with all those long, lean muscles.
7THEN: Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval)
JR’s nemesis Cliff hasn’t made an appearance yet…but we’re hoping he will, seeing as he is now in control of Ewing Oil. His battles with the brothers Ewing were epic back in the day and we hope Kercheval’s agent has been on the phone with the producers.
8NOW: Cliff’s Keys to Looking Good:
-Age gracefully. White hair is very debonair.
-Fulfill your lifelong dream—in this case, taking away JR’s beloved company.
-Embrace glasses. They make you look even smarter than you already are.
9THEN: Pamela Barnes Ewing (Victoria Principal)
Pam: We might miss you most of all! You are Bobby’s one true love. (Sorry, new wife). Plus, Christopher could definitely use some motherly advice as he deals with his scheming cousin and con-artist new wife.
10NOW: Pamela’s Keys to Looking Good:
-It’s all about taking care of your skin. Looks like you’ve been using Principal Secret!
-Eat Right and Exercise Often — as laid out in “The Body Principal” and “The Diet Principal.”
-Hire a great colorist. Those locks have always been a standout.
