Hypothetical scenario: You spend a long weekend in Miami, but only Sunday turns out to be a beach day. Your flight leaves at 7 p.m., so you’re stuck leaving after only a few hours of sunshine. Your tan is at stake, but you would never underestimate the importance of sunscreen. You are definitely not using SPF 6. You can go back to work defeated and pale. Or… you can fake it.
I’m always up front… when it comes to clothes. I would scream “Target!” and “DSW!” from the rooftops in gratitude for all the 20% coupons I’ve used over the years. But I will lie straight to your face about my tan. It’s 100% real. I got it in Ibiza. Any questions?
As we wait for summer to arrive, choose your own vacation fantasy and embrace it. Last week, I was on a yacht with Rihanna. In January, Channing Tatum took me to St. Tropez. My Vegas tan is fab, I know, but you haven’t seen my girl Gigi Hadid’s. If you’re planning on “taking” a “vacation” soon, here’s your official guide. I tested out a stockpile of tanning gels, mists, and lotions to match up each tanner’s look with some potential faux-cations. Enjoy, and don’t forget to call me from Johnny Depp’s private island!
For Your “Day” In the “Park”…
It’s Saturday and you have brunch plans, then Julie’s picnic birthday thing, then that intramural soccer league you swore would be a great idea. Instead, you stayed inside and watched all of “The Fall” in one day. You can still get that “I spent my day outside like a well-adjusted person” look while playing hooky. Of my spread of tanners, Hampton Sun Sunless Tanning Mist ($36) was my favorite. The mist sprays on clear, so pay close attention during application to make sure you don’t miss an elbow or double down on your calves. The pay-off is a natural glow that will make everyone forget you skipped Julie’s party.
For Your “10-Day Vacation” At “The Beach House”…
The list of things in this life that make me happier than the words “beach house” is very, very short. Blessings to cult favorite brand’s new product St. Tropez Self Tan Express Bronzing Mousse ($44) for creating a product through which we can simulate an entire vacation. Leave the express mousse on for one, two, or three hours depending on your desired shade. Or try each shade and get darker as your “vacation” progresses. Isn’t owning a beach house fun?
For Your “Week” in “Croatia”…
Croatian beaches are supposed to be some of the best in the world. I would know, because I went there mentally when applying my Clinique Self Sun Body Tinted Lotion ($23) last week. Lotion tanners are a treat because you can see exactly where your tan will develop, and the tan shows up quickly. The “medium” shade was bronze enough to hold me for a full week.
For Your “Long Weekend” In “Los Angeles”….
If you’re wearing makeup (like you would be in LA, obviously) the go-to product is Vita Liberata’s Trystal Minerals ($55). It’s a tanning “bronzing powder” for application over makeup or moisturizer. It’s a little nervewracking to bronze your whole body at first, but power through because the product lasts for five days — the exact length of your meeting in Hollywood.
For Your “Spring Break” in “Cabo”…
A classic skincare brand is best used for a classic faux-cation: the spring break fakeout. For those of us who would kill to be Cabo-bound but have unfortunately graduated, I recommend Jergens Natural Glow Instant Sun ($13). Not only is the mousse color spot-on, but the tan extender seals in the poolside glow you didn’t get for a whole extra week.
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